[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.