ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored