I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.