The A string on my guit_r is flat
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
This is the coolest video you will see today.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’