Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My daily affirmation
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening