When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
getting corrected
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.