Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
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I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”