Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised