I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating