Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
no such thing as a dumb question
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”