God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.