Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
We avoided this particular disaster
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m listening
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.