How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*puts cutlery down*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone