Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.