i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
You Might Also Like
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.