telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Guilty! 🤪
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.