[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
それは草
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long