ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The internet is full of many things
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family