One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
This will never not be funny to me.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!