You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Buck naked
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months