If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Has science gone too far?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: