I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
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*exercises sarcastically*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.