“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”