Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
my first dose meeting my second
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.