I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.