DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
they really do be looking like this
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*