I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do