I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Always the camel, never the toe.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.