[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?