*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My dryer is celebrating lint.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.