Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
So the ex texted me
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.