I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.