“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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All excellent questions
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me