Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[montage of me giving-up]
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.