Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
You Might Also Like
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat