*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there