happy friday
You Might Also Like
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Taliband
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.