Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?