Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship