You deplete me
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*lint rolls you awake*
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.