me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I鈥檓 done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I鈥檓 voting for in the election
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she鈥檚 claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I鈥檓 dead.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[slips the bus driver 拢20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a pur茅ed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I 鉂わ笍 my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you鈥檝e been a choired
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My favorite female superhero