Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I think the cat got the dog high.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.