Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You Might Also Like
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller