*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy