[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.