like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Bike is short for Bichael.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Heroic Misunderstanding