Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
This meal prepping shit easy
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.