I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
May have had one breakfast too many
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
what does he know…
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back