They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
crazy
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.