Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice